you've always got something to say

i sunk further in
my blood is thicker today
you'd probably have something to say about it

(bathroom tiles are more homely to me than they are sterile, but i guess the more clinical components of life were the more interesting ones anyway)

i wonder what i'm doing
aching tailbone, and bent spine
the ringing in my ears is a divine symphony, like an angel choir
i know you'd probably have something to say about, too

why is it that i like the shudder that takes hold of my body, when my soft skull smashes with conviction against the bathroom tiles?

now i am inadvertently writing to scare you, and i know exactly why. not that you've ever understood my writing anyway.

you don't get jealous, you just get pissed off at me. and i don't get jealous, i just let the insecurity drip me like a vice until it sucks anything out of me that you'd find attractive anyway.

you hurt me. you're bad for me. i hate you. i love you. you're deluded. i'm always wrong. i'm always fucking up. i'm always wondering when it'll happen. i'm always wondering if it'll be you or me. i'm always wondering if it's a waste of my time. the most painful waste? yes, the most painful. i'm always hoping the day that i die will come before the day that we do, because it'll be easier that way. i'm always looking for the easy way. you're always looking for the selfish way. sometimes that's the same thing. sometimes it's not.

the blood smeared on my arm because i bent the crease in my elbow and it looks like one of those preschool butterfly finger-paintings, you know the ones where they fold the paper in the middle so the butterflies get symmetrical wings

did you ever consider that cheating at art?

did you ever consider yourself a cheater when you tried to fuck her? do you think the negative connotations attached to "cheating" are "monogamous heteronormative" bullshit?

do you think about me?
do you think?

...

the little red spots on my legs are so ugly and they remind me that i am a collection of ugly parts and you are like a tired prison warden who is humouring an insane captive

hint:

i am the captive

...