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About Literature / Hobbyist ellieFemale/Australia Recent Activity
Deviant for 5 Years
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Statistics 376 Deviations 1,441 Comments 9,168 Pageviews

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why is it
that your name still makes my heart skip such a painful beat
that my chest should constrict so tightly, so viciously
a fist, clawed
wrapping around my heart in such a twist

the curve of my breast
never seemed so soft in this dim light
should your fingers trail upon my surface,
should your gaze grace mine once more
i couldn't bare to think
of the way my knees would shake
and the way i would fall by you -
your prey
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i couldn't ever love another
another lover, couldn't ever
love her, couldn't
love her, mother
fucker, motherfucker
couldn't love you any

i sunk further in
my blood is thicker today
you'd probably have something to say about it

(bathroom tiles are more homely to me than they are sterile, but i guess the more clinical components of life were the more interesting ones anyway)

i wonder what i'm doing
aching tailbone, and bent spine
the ringing in my ears is a divine symphony, like an angel choir
i know you'd probably have something to say about, too

why is it that i like the shudder that takes hold of my body, when my soft skull smashes with conviction against the bathroom tiles?

now i am inadvertently writing to scare you, and i know exactly why. not that you've ever understood my writing anyway.

you don't get jealous, you just get pissed off at me. and i don't get jealous, i just let the insecurity drip me like a vice until it sucks anything out of me that you'd find attractive anyway.

you hurt me. you're bad for me. i hate you. i love you. you're deluded. i'm always wrong. i'm always fucking up. i'm always wondering when it'll happen. i'm always wondering if it'll be you or me. i'm always wondering if it's a waste of my time. the most painful waste? yes, the most painful. i'm always hoping the day that i die will come before the day that we do, because it'll be easier that way. i'm always looking for the easy way. you're always looking for the selfish way. sometimes that's the same thing. sometimes it's not.

the blood smeared on my arm because i bent the crease in my elbow and it looks like one of those preschool butterfly finger-paintings, you know the ones where they fold the paper in the middle so the butterflies get symmetrical wings

did you ever consider that cheating at art?

did you ever consider yourself a cheater when you tried to fuck her? do you think the negative connotations attached to "cheating" are "monogamous heteronormative" bullshit?

do you think about me?
do you think?


the little red spots on my legs are so ugly and they remind me that i am a collection of ugly parts and you are like a tired prison warden who is humouring an insane captive


i am the captive

you've always got something to say
there's always something to say about me
smells like dried cum and saliva
your skin rough but milky white
tobacco-stained fingernails;
we're a mess but i have no choice but to revel in it all

and my stomach churns with regret
i wish i could tape together all the broken pieces
but i'm stuck in an empty limbo with
shaking extremeties and a
trembling resolve, about to topple over

this cliff edge seemed so solid before i stepped foot onto it

one foot in front of the other
one step at a time
living week to week on stolen change
living breath to breath on withdrawals and
a need to do better,
but a failure to
all of it pours from my chest, all of it
you're a blind man and i'm a deaf woman in a world where
the colours and noises are pretty much non-existent,

sail across a starry skyway for me
tell me you miss me, but i
feel something shake in my jaw when you lie
and i can't tell if you're lying when you're
9,917 miles away

slip on your dusty old pair of shoes
trek this landscape for me, hear the shutter of your camera
click and whirr like some clockwork insect in midday desert heat
tell me elaborate fictions of abandoned hospitals and amusement parks
past expiration dates, but not past your wonderful, wide-eyed curiosity
tell me you love me, and tell me you love me,
and tell me you love me again


itselliegasp's Profile Picture
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
if you know me in real life then fuck off

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anobrain Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014
have missed seeing you around the site, lovely - hope everything is alright x
(1 Reply)
S09521463B0X Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014

(1 Reply)
oaklungs Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2013
thank you very much for the favourites :rose:
(1 Reply)
flightlessheron Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013  Student Writer

Welcome to #LiteraryMovement! We are glad to have you! I hope you receive and give some great feedback while you're with us! Please remember to fully complete your membership process when you have the time! It helps us know you better and learn how to better provide for our members. The membership form is required, but all other forms and parts of the process are optional. Let me know if you have any questions. :heart:


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anobrain Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2013
hello, sweetie! you have been featured in my journal.… :heart:
(1 Reply)
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